REVIEW: 'Civilization V: The Complete Edition'

I'm all for the whole 'Death of the Author' thing, which is why I refuse to call this 'Sid Meier's Civilization V'. Already I have to spell 'civilisation' the wrong way; stop making me bend over for you Mr Meier! I know you made Pirates! and this series, but you also made Beyond Earth, which sucked. I'll be the judge of whether you're a holy gaming messiah or not. That is my job, after all...

Civilization V is another game that I've spent way too much time on, and so the review is more of a justification than a critical discourse. At the very least, these kind of games are always the easiest to write about because the more I play a game then the more material I have for my review. I still haven't got round to discuss Portal because it's two hours long and in that time doesn't make a single error. My review would be about one paragraph long and at the end I would throw up my arms and say: "Look, just play it already! It's two hours long and if your computer can run Windows 10 then it can run Portal!"

But enough stalling. Civilization V was released in 2010 and it received a surprisingly negative reception. This is partly because Civilization IV was at the time regarded as not only one of the best strategy games, but one of the best PC games ever made. Civilization V initially suffered from what all modern instalments of long running franchises suffer from: lots of polish at the expense of content. There just wasn't as much to do in Civilization V compared to IV. Thankfully, through the combined power of expansion packs and mods, Civilization V actually now has more content than Civilization IV - and this combined with its modern polish makes it the superior game. The king is dead. All hail the king.

So getting 'The Complete Edition' rather than the standard edition of Civilization V is mandatory, hence why I'm reviewing this version. I feel like I should complain about how lazy and moneygrabbing it is for the developers to cut chunks out of the gameplay and sell them separately, but I got the complete collection in a Steam sale. Oh, and Civilization IV pulled the exact same thing. Your perfect princess may still be a princess, but perfect she is not.

The premise of the game is that you're the ruler of a civilisation of your choice. There are several ways you can claim victory: you can be the most sucessful nation once the turn-limit runs out, you can conquer everything on the map, you can be the first nation to go into space (scientific victory), you can infiltrate every nation via art (cultural victory). you can convince/blackmail everyone to vote you as ruler of the universe (diplomatic victory), and there are probably several more I've missed out.

This sounds like the game is a sandbox seen from the perspective of God, but the clock is ticking. I forgot to mention that there are at least five other nations also trying to aim for various victories - plus there are 'barbarians' who solely exist to ruin everyones day. At the end of each turn, time jumps forward an incremental amount and every civilisation makes their move. Part of me wishes that as soon as you press 'next turn' then it jumps straight to your turn again, but then all the tension of seeing which civilisation will declare war on another will be removed.

The proverbial always hits the fan come the Atomic age when it's a rush to invent nuclear missiles. Even when I don't want to declare war on anyone, I still try to be the first one to buy nukes just so my country can sleep at night - even though in real life I'm very much anti-trident. Whilst wars come and go, once 2000 rolls around then that's when everyone starts to make their final move. The game itself can go on until another country claims victory, so if you win by one method then you can choose to carry on and see if you can win another way as well - just to rub it in everyone elses face.

I think the reason why I like this game is because I've always found that strategy games are inherently silly. This is partly because I grew up with Tim Curry and George Takei yelling at me in the Command and Conquer: Red Alert games, but also because the idea of me in charge of anything is hilarious. I can barely fill in a registration form. How am I supposed to be the commander of an army, mayor of a city, and supreme overlord of an entire civilisation?

Imagine a seven year old with an ice cream on his head wearing an oversized suit and sitting behind a desk with a plaque saying: 'President.' That's what I feel like whenever I play these games; like Homer Simpson being given power over the entire universe.

As I said in my Mount and Blade: Warband review (a game that's encouraged me to return to strategy) I also enjoy chess despite being terrible at it. I like being able to carefully plan my next move, observing the board and feeling like a true master. Then I click the 'next turn' button and watch everything go to pot. I've enjoyed real time strategy in the past, but when I really want to unwind after a long day I like to be able to work at my own pace for once - not the game's.

I say 'own pace,' but actually this game is anything but relaxing - despite the soothing background music telling me otherwise. You think everything is going your way when suddenly a message pops up saying that Queen Boudica has entered the Industrial Era before you and then it's on like Jean Valjean. The game hands control back, and you can feel everyone else watching expectantly. At the points when the other players catch up with you or take you by surprise, this feels like it's playing in real-time. The tension gets to the point that I have to Alt-Tab out of the game and switch on some classical music whilst Gandhi nukes everyone. (Anyone who has ever played a Civilization game will happily explain why Gandhi is in fact a complete bastard.)

The first time I played, I decided to just dive in and start a random match. Whilst it was loading, I worked out a strategy. I knew this was a game where you could use either diplomacy or warfare to win, so I decided to go for war because I was just starting out and conquering stuff is always the easiest way to go - or, at least, that's what my studies of politics taught me.

But then the game begun and I found out that I was playing as Venice. I didn't have a military bonus, and I could only build one city (which was annoying when the tutorial kept reminding me to build more cities). What I did have, however, was a boost to culture and trade - so the first thing I did was sent some scouts off exploring whilst I got to work on Stonehenge. A cultural or scientific victory would evidently be the way forward here, since there was no conceivable way I could amass an army.

Immediately my scouts found Morocco, and I was shocked when suddenly a charming Arabic man filled my screen offering words of welcome. This was the 'speak with leader' mechanic, which I love because the leaders never change appearance. Come 2000 and the Aztec leader still hadn't put on a shirt. Egypt remained ruled by a pharaoh...even though today it's run by fascists. Later one, once they'd denounced me, the leaders occasionally popped up just to insult me; which I actually enjoyed. It's humorous, but not overtly so - which is just how I like my strategy games. In fact, it's how I like the majority of my games.

PUT. A. SHIRT. ON.

Actually, I got really friendly with Morocco. Perhaps it's because we were both so close together (in terms of proximity) and we were the first two people to meet, but Morocco immediately wanted to trade. Later they asked if we could be friends and I accepted whilst blushing. Even though I'd reached the atomic age by the time they'd got to the industrial age, we remained faithful companions. I even went to war with them against China twice...though once I just wanted an excuse to capture a city because there was a massive supply of oil there and no-one other than myself had discovered oil yet. The same happened with Uranium, and I was very worried when I discovered a Uranium deposit right outside Venice. I feared my people would turn into hideous mutations, but thankfully the game doesn't go that far.

It's at this point I realised the whole fun of Civilization: screwing about with history. The game begins with everything as it should be, and new technology is only available when you enter a new era. So it's impossible to discover electricity when you're still in the Renaissance, but it's possible to still be in the Industrial era come 2000 if you haven't sunk enough resources into Science.

Since I was trying to make Venice the cultural and science capitol of the world, I built The Great Wall of China (which explains why China were a bit miffed for the next few turns) and I would've built The Globe Theatre if the sodding Egyptians hadn't stolen it. Meanwhile, Morocco discovered Buddhism and my relationship with China was fascinating.

War is a little odd in this game. In another match, I played as Sweden (whom I tried to get a cultural victory with just so I could say I conquered the world with the power of ABBA) and Assyria - for absolutely no reason - declared war on me. With their armies marching towards me, I build a defence around Stockholm and nervously awaited a bloody battle. Just when Assyria had crossed the border, they suddenly offered a peace treaty.

I really wish real-life wars were over this quickly. In my first game, Morroco and I went to war against China twice. The first time they declared peace after I destroyed a farm, and the second time they not only declared peace but gave me Singapore after I killed some scouts. This was on 'Normal' difficulty, I should add.

As I said though, when it gets to the 2000's then everyone starts making their final moves and this is the point where war means war. It's also at this point when all of a sudden your opponent attacks with tanks and paratroopers whilst you gape and yell at the screen: "HOW DID YOU GET THAT!? YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED CLOTHES IN TWO THOUSAND YEARS?!"

I'm sure this guy is lovely once you get to know him...

Despite this, Civilization V is perhaps a bit too coy when it comes to international relations. I swear some countries are more hostile than others. It's helpful how the free cities clearly indicate if either allying with or annoying them is a bad idea or not, and I really wish the actual leaders had a similar indication. There's this one guy who likes to hold a sword and stands in front of a burning castle whenever he greets you (I like to think he deliberately stages this scene). On first contanct, I made a mental note to avoid this guy as much as possible; but actually we became strong allies.

Meanwhile, as I headed towards the atomic age, Greece constantly kept denouncing me and I had no idea why. I wasn't spying on him, I wasn't building too close to his borders, our trade routes were flourishing, and when it came to the world leaders summit I always abstained from voting because I didn't want to annoy anyone. I really wish that, if nothing else, there was a dialogue option in the 'speak with the leader' screen where you could clarify the precise state of your relationship with them. 'Friendly,' 'Neutral,' 'Guarded,' 'Hostile,' or 'WAR!' is just too vague for such a complex game.

When I became friends with Morrocco, for some reason everyone else on the map hated him and kept denouncing Morrocco even though - to secure our friendship - I placed a spy just to see if any foulplay was involved. (Yes, I was using corruption to find out if there was any corruption. What?) It turned out that Morocco was just as nice as I assumed them to be upon first contact. They were just a little bit underdeveloped as a nation, which...actually, I'm going to refrain from making any jokes about this.

I should point out at this point that it took in total nine hours of gameplay for me to complete my first game. At the start, you can choose how big the map should be, how many other nations there should be, how advanced the AI should be, and how fast the game progresses. It's always fun to cram over ten nations on a tiny map, set the games pace to 'fast,' and watch as they squabble over mining sites. However, even 'fast' is still at least four hours of gameplay per match. This is not the sort of game you can blast through in a weekend or have a quick match for a few hours before bed. This is like Dungeons and Dragons where you have to disband for a week then come back and try to remember if you're playing chaotic neutral or chaotic good.

I would say it's a problem, but a problem only exists if there's a solution. Making the game shorter and easier to win would completely ruin the whole thing. The point is that you gradually build up your civilisation, competing with others over time. Alliances change and shift as the world ages. Sometimes the most primitive nation at the start will be your biggest threat by the time nukes are available, or when they invent the radio first. Egypt begun by stealing my technology, but after I managed to capture one of their spies they apologised and I decided it would be better to forget the whole thing rather than risk war. We begun to forge a pleasant relationship until suddenly Egypt betrayed me and started invading. Outraged, I stopped working on Sydney Opera House and built enough nuclear submarines to make Vladimir Putin sleep with the lights on. However, the Aztecs - who had been friendly if eccentric up until this point - desperately wanted to test their new nuclear missiles. So I was fighting a war at two fronts, and even my nuclear arsenal was having difficutly holding both armies back. Just when all seemed lost, the game flashed up with a message saying I'd won.

One of the ways you can claim victory is by waiting until the game reaches a certain number of turns and see who's got the best economy. On the easier difficulties, this is very easy to achieve as you can have the best economy by focusing on research and diplomacy instead of amassing an army. On my first game, my funds were starting to decline and I eventually realised that it was because I was just blindly accepting trade deals from other countries - failing to cotton on that everyone was screwing me over. I thus re-negotiated my exports of luxury goods and soon after that had enough money to bribe FIFA to make me the new world cup host (I'm surprised no-ones made a mod of this).

Although, this can have some fun little side-effects. One time, I achieved a cultural victory. I wasn't intending to do this, but I accidentally gathered enough faith points to create my own religion. Rather than picking Islam or Christianity, I decided to use the 'custom' box and so my country became the first to adopt 'Nicholas Cage.' I created a small group of prophets to journey unto other civilisations and spread Nicholas Cage to the masses. I won once every city in the world had accepted Nicholas Cage - by which point I had to phone an ambulance because I was dying of laughter.

Civilization V is one of those games where each session means a new story to tell your bored date over a candlelit dinner. Do you recollect the time you achieved a cultural victory as India with only three cities? Or that time you played as Russia and slaughtered everyone? Or that time you let all the other nations obliterate each-other before stepping through the rubble declaring a diplomatic victory by default. Or that time you built an army of horses, waited a thousand years until they turned into tanks, and then just ran everyone over?

The biggest downside is how long it takes to load. It's fair enough when you start a new civilisation, or when you load a game because there are probably thousands of algorithms being set in motion. But just booting the main menu up can take a whole thirty seconds, and whilst my PC isn't exactly a large hadron collider; it's able to run Bioshock Infinite on max settings. I expect a 2010 game to load slightly faster than a Commadore 64.

'The Complete Edition' also comes with several 'scenarios' similar to that mode in Sim City where Godzilla attacks. They sound cool, but actually they're a major letdown - mostly because the game refuses to explain everything. You're usually given a ready-built empire and an extremely vague objective like: "build six obelisks." Exactly how you build six obelisk's is never explained, and meanwhile you suddenly have a whole army to organise whilst fending off another fully-built empire. Not only is it confusing, but the whole 'screw with history' dynamic that makes the main game so fun is ruined here. Don't bother with this game mode unless you're really curious.

I don't think anything has so quickly shot up into my 'favourite games of all time' list. Just like Mount And Blade: Warband, this is a great test of your innermost personality. I'm the first to complain about the British Empire and how it did nothing but steal other countries wealth - yet here I am going to war against China just because I want their oil. I also moan about how corruption is the biggest problem in the world today, but here I am spying on my close allies out of sheer paranoia. I also really wish there was a 'Kim Jong Un' button where you can close your borders and threaten war until you get what you want...

Because, as we all know, 'The Great Wave' was actually painted in Venice.