REVIEW: 'Team Fortress 2'

Why am I reviewing one of the most popular free to play games ever made? The biggest online shooter out there? Because, after spending a whole day getting it ready, my computer decided to celebrate the arrival of Windows 10 by getting drunk and corrupting it's liver (system file). The only to solve this is to have a liver transplant (reset my PC to factory settings and install Windows 10 all over again) whilst also coping with amnesia (my computer losing all it's data in the process).

So: Team Fortress 2.

I call this a 'review' rather than a retrospective because, despite the game being released the same time as Portal and Half Life 2: Episode 2 in 2007 - it's still going. In fact, just last month it recieved a major update that introduced several new maps, new weapons, and cossack-dancing. My first review on this website was for a Team Fortress 2 update...which is still in beta, and still kinda sucks.

But that's not technically part of the game yet. Team Fortress 2 just refuses to die, yet both the community and myself still aren't tired of this game. It refuses to outstay it's welcome. How?

Well, it's still funny. This wouldn't work with Counterstrike: Valve's other online shooter because that's like if the Call Of Duty multiplayer wasn't populated by people you'd punch if you were playing in the same room with them. Team Fortress 2 is an online shooter that takes place in a Looney Tunes cartoon. From the weapons to the personalities wielding them, this game is a Road Runner cartoon gone horribly wrong. And it's glorious.

I should despise the game for continually adding new features, some of which you have to pay for, but whenever they're added you're guaranteed to laugh. When the game first launched it gradually released short animated films introducing each character. When it announced micro-transactions, Valve posted a brochure online where an angry Australian shouts at you. When the game was ported to MAC computers, they released a comic strip mocking the Apple brand. Last year, to introduce a new line of weapons and hats they made a 13 min animated film. All of this is consistently funny and I cannot get enough of it. I'm surprised they haven't just made a full animated series about these characters.

Not only that, but the actual gameplay experience gets changed with each update. New weapons and new game modes that further expand an already solid base are introduced at least once a year. In-between all this, there are constant minor updates that either fix small bugs or attempt to re-balance the game. Weapons and classes occasionally have their stats altered in an effort to make things fairer so it's impossible to find an item that can break the game and ruin the experience for everyone else.

Quite simply: there is no way you can cheat. You can't be a sniper all the time because they can't take much damage and so aren't particularly aggressive. You can't be a Pyro and just run around with your flamethrower because you're vulnerable at a long-range. The Heavy and The Soldier have the most powerful weapons in the game, but both are slow and can be out-manoeuvred.

It follows it's definition as a team-based game. You need to work with random people in order to get the job done. A team will fail if they don't have enough heavy-hitters and try to fly solo. Co-operation is the key to success, and just skill alone won't guarantee victory. It helps to be accurate with a rocket-launcher and knowing the best time to use ubercharge, but if you ignore your teammates then you're going to be outnumbered. Running into a massive group of enemies is suicidal in this game. You might be able to take out two - perhaps three if you catch them by surprise - but any more and you're going to die horribly. Unless you get ubercharged, then you briefly become an immortal god who can push through entire armies.

This is why the Medic is gradually becoming my favourite class. The Soldier is perfect for when your team needs someone to lead the final push, but the Medic is all about sacrificing your own killstreak for someone elses. The scoreboard won't reflect it, but having a good Medic on your team is like having cheats enabled. To compensate for this, however, the Medic is also the biggest target - and you'll constantly have to watch out for Spies trying to backstab you, not to mention Pyros trying to ambush you.

"MEEEDDDIIIICCCCCCC"

Playing each class is like playing a completely different game. Playing The Spy is like being in a stealth game as you disguise yourself and hide behind the enemy before jumping out and stabbing your opponent in the back. The Soldier is your typical Quake rocket-jumping action, and The Scout is like if Mirror's Edge had good combat. Now that they've updated The Engineer to be less boring to play as, I can't really describe what playing as the Engie is like. I suppose it's like a tower-defence game where you build siege weapons but are playing the person building them - so you can occasionally run up and hit the enemy with your wrench.

The gamemodes themselves are also like playing a different game each time. There's your typical capture the flag, but there's also capturing points, pushing a cart carrying a bomb, and fighting off an army of robots. I've never been a fan of capture the flag just because this whole game is about keeping a fast pace and things can get a bit monotonous in this gamemode - particularly if you play as The Engineer.

The additional weapons (which you can get for free if you're patient) also completely change a class. The Soldier can get a rocket launcher which heals him with every successful hit, The Medic can get a decent ranged weapon, The Sniper can replace his rifle with a bow, and The Spy can become a completely different class depending on what invis-watch and what knife you equip. Each weapon however has it's catch, and it's up to the player to work around this weakness. The Soldiers aforementioned rocket launcher has much less ammo and a smaller clip size, meaning you have to be more strategic when using it. There are also reskin weapons which don't have any advantage but are just great fun. For example: you can get a frying pan which you can use to beat your foes to death. Yup. A frying pan.

I'll admit though, the hats are pointless. They do nothing but contaminate an already outstanding visual style. It's cartoonish aesthetic means that the game's hardly aged at all, but this is ruined somewhat by some of the hats. Why does The Soldier have a wizards hat? Why can The Spy dress up as a pirate? Can I just have a gun that shoots lasers instead - oh, thank you very much game!

The biggest problem with the game is that, because this is populated by real people, there are times when your team isn't going to work together. This is particularly true of the Man Vs Machine mode which almost entirely revolves around co-operation and watching each-others back. The game makes an effort to point out that some games modes are only suitable for veteran players, yet you still see players who've clearly only just started the game going up against the hardest waves of robots. I'm all for inclusivity, but you should probably start with the easier stuff first.

Whilst Call Of Duty and Counterstrike are unforgiving to new players - in fact, any game with an online multiplayer is filled with experts who've spent way to much time playing - Team Fortress 2 is much easier to get into. There's tutorials, a helpful practise mode against bots, and when you get into the game itself not everyone is an elder god because so many people play this game. It's rare to join a server where there isn't a new player, and it's even rarer to see abuse being hurled at the new player. You can report abuse, but I've never needed to do this and I'm not sure how effective it is.

"Guys! I got dominated by David Bowie! My adolecent dream has finally come true!"

Don't let the fact this is online deter you, however. There is the option to talk with a microphone, but you can opt out and mute everyone easily. Not that there is any need to talk to anyone since the cartoon characters you play as do all the insulting and complimenting for you. Every time I play the game, there's a voice-clip by one of the classes that I haven't heard before and get a chuckle out of. Being the shy bundle of awkward that I am, I haven't needed to talk once whilst playing this game...and I've played this game a lot.

If you have a computer or laptop that can run Windows 10 and a broadband connection then you can run this game. And it's free, so you have no excuse to at least try it. It's not for everyone, but if you appreciate good humour and have some patience then you'll have a blast. At the very least, you'll enjoy the marketing around it.

Or I suppose there's the PS3/XBOX 360 version...but it sucks.